i make no apologies

So, today was B’s annual trip to the OB/GYN, which meant… she actually shaved her legs.  Impressive.

[I will spare you images of speculums, stirrups, scratchy pipe cleaner things, tubes of lube, etc. Google those images on your own time.]

After the appointment, after B had wiped away the bucket o’ lube the Doc used during the exam (WHAT IS WITH THAT, BTW?! Good Gawd.) and put her clothes on…

B: “Just got done at the OB/GYN. I feel as though I deserve a latte.”
E: “How was that?”
B: “Is it just me, or normally when you go, don’t they give you a sheet or paper stuff to cover up your lap??  Because I’ve always had a gown and a sheet. Not this Dr.! Gown only—open in front. Served zero purpose. Should’ve just left it in the package. It only covered my back, which was on the damn table.”
E: “Yes, you should have gotten a vag cover.”
B: “Right? There I was, in all my nude glory, stirruped up, with my lady bits at eye level, small talking with this chick about the economy. I’m like ‘get the speculum in place, swab the cervix with your scratchy pipe cleaner thing, put your hands all up in my business, and on the double!! Mmmkay?!’ ”
…On another note, the barista gave me whipped cream and caramel drizzle… that’s my girl.”
E: “Awww”
B: “And the Dr. was obsessed with my knee scar. She was like, ‘what an AWESOME scar. That’s pretty RAD.  I’ve never seen one like it. I LOVE scars. They all tell a story.’ I was like, ‘The only story you need to be hearing right now should be coming from my vag.’”
E: “Who the f*ck to you go to??”

Left out of this convo, however, was the part that began when Dr. Awkward asked B what kind of birth control she preferred.

B: “Seasonique or whatever the generic version is. You know, for convenience. Only 4 periods a year = WINNING. And feminine products are hella expensive. You know, they like to keep the woman down. Heh-heh.”
Doc Awkward: “I think that’s a great choice for you. But you’d be SHOCKED how many women want a period every month!”
B: “Really? For security? Because they’re fake periods anyway…”
Doc Awkward: “ Yes, but I think it’s CULTURAL as well…”
B: “Well, maybe you can write your thesis about that. In the meantime, Hi, I’m NAKED.”

This is what a fox looks like. Off leash.

image via http://animal.discovery.com/mammals/fox/

Me: “I thought Management should know that there’s a fox on the property.”
Mgmt: “REALLY?? You saw it?”
Me: “No, it left me a creepy note on my door. What??”
Mgmt: “Were you scared? … Are they MEAN?”
Me: “Bitch, please. I grew up on a farm in in the Midwest. We had mountain lions on our property (not on purpose. they came to us. to catch rabbits in the grove. but that’s beside the point. or across the room from the point.) …  And, um, no, it didn’t sling any mean girl insults my way.”
Mgmt: “Wow. I just don’t know what we could do.”
Me: “Well, I was thinking that you might want to send out one of your ‘BE AWARE: DOG OFF LEASH’ memos, only this would be a ‘BE AWARE: FOX OFF LEASH… BUT DON’T ATTEMPT TO LEASH THE FOX. OR FEED THE FOX. OR THE FOX WILL PERMANENTLY MOVE IN WITH ITS FELLOW FOXEN” memo…

I certainly hope that this doesn’t get messed up with “FOX News” in any google way… This post is about foxen not of the evil variety.

XOXO,
B