i make no apologies

Dear E,

It was your birthday today, and I wasn’t with you. And that’s not okay. 

Your birthday celebrates your life. That you’re here. That you exist. And that you matter.  Birthdays are special and important, and anyone who belittles them sucks at life  (This is why we celebrate mine for a month… because other people waste the great occasion. And I shout “IT’S MY BIRTHDAY!!” and make the band at the bar sing to me, because it’s a fucking special occasion.).

And because your birthday is a celebration of you, it is one of my favorite days of the year.

It’s a day all about you being here.  Being here for me.  Being here with me. Being who you are… my best friend.  So, it’s all about you, but I’m gonna make it all about me.

I get to make it all about me because knowing you is possibly the greatest gift in my life.  And I will celebrate this GREAT gift…

that I know because of all of the little things…

Like the shopping sprees  where you and I cannot and will not shop for anything on the same racks because our body types and personal taste could. not. be. more. different.  But we  meet up for accessories because we can’t get enough of that cheap, sparkly shit… and OMG—owl necklaces for E! And peacock earrings for B! And flowers for our hair!

It’s in the phone calls that spontaneously happen because we CANNOT BELIEVE what one of us is telling the other via text.  We need voice confirmation of WTF has just gone down.

It’s in the “OMG, get on gchat” moments.

It’s in the fact that we can be driving somewhere, and if I tell you a family secret the size of a bomb, you don’t wreck the fucking car.  You are quiet. And then you say all of the right things. And knowing what you know, you never look at me differently, except maybe with more understanding.

It’s the fact that you get the random afternoon texts that say “Be my friend.”  Which means so much more. It’s not just about attention. It says “I’m not alone, but I’m alone. I need you. You’re my best friend.  Say something empowering or funny”… It’s not just “I miss you.” It means, “MY LIFE IS SHIT WITHOUT YOU.  Be here in this moment with me”… and so much more. (And when I say that to a guy and he doesn’t get it, you will go poke him in the chest.)

It’s in the late night texts of “Love me more.”  Which means “show me you love me, and do it soon, because I’m dying a little here, and I need to know you’re there.”

It’s in the fact that if we ever, God forbid, get knocked up, we will pray to whatever gods will listen that we’ll have boys. Not because we don’t want to dress up little girls and watch them become smart asses like us… But because we can’t imagine raising girls in the world we live in, and certainly not in this country, where women are still owned in so many ways. Where our bodies are considered “parts” by our government that is composed mostly of men, and some parts are worth protecting while others are not.  Where our paychecks are 70% that of a man’s. Where women fight every day for equal rights to education, for small business loans, for sports coverage, for a media that covers women because of what they do/are accomplishing/think/are capable of, and for a fighting chance at military recognition and protection agains rape, sexual assault and verbal abuse. We know what it’s like to be on guard all the time, to be bitter and cynical simply because we were born female, without our permission. We know what it’s like to every second be ready to defend ourselves, our positions, our merits and our brains.  That every time we demand equal rights, we are made out to need/want special rights.   But it feels like only you and I know this, and we feel alone in the fight. Women are still second-class citizens in our first world, wealthy, democratic nation.  The women who fought for what we do have today are rolling in their graves because we aren’t organizing fast or hard enough and our rights are being reversed… and it’s a heavy burden to bear… too heavy for little girls who have to grow up too fast.  We share the same fear that when our  (potential) smart, capable, educated, strong, open-minded, big-hearted daughters look into our eyes and ask us “why would you put another woman on this earth?” we won’t have a good enough answer.

It’s in the fact that we don’t have to weigh or mince words with each other. We say what we mean. We mean what we say.

It’s in the E.E. Cummings poetry.

It’s in checking my texts before I even get out of bed in the morning to make sure you didn’t need me or that I didn’t miss something in the night.

It’s in when I tell you that I’m going to go protest or engage in civil disobedience, you say “don’t get arrested. You watch LOCKUP. You KNOW what it’s like on the INSIDE.” And then you wait on standby in case you have to bail my ass out.

It’s when I say I’m going to go Occupy, and you say, “okay, I’m coming with you, but I’ll need a place to plug in the curling iron, and I’m bringing my Coach purse and those bitches are just going to have to deal.”

All of these little things in my life… are what my life is composed of. And my life feels BIG because I know you.

Happy Birthday to you. Happy Greatest Gift Day to me.

But it was your birthday today, and I wasn’t with you… And that’s still not okay.

Love,
B