i make no apologies

Sometimes it’s just heartbreaking, and there’s nothing you can do about it except let it wash over you.  It always seems to strike at the most inopportune times, like when you’re studying for your test at the library at 10:30 at night, and you worry people will wonder what’s up with the tears dropping on her textbook.  Or it will hit you when you’re completely alone, with no one and nothing to take your mind off what you lost, or what happened.

This is one of those love stories that I love to read about, because I like to read painful, heartbreaking stories to know that I’m  not the only one fucked out there.  It’s nice to know that someone else ducked out early, or that others have still have feelings that they pretend not to. Mostly, it’s nice to have someone write down the words that I can’t seem to myself.

When you finally moved away, I told you, as I stood in the driveway crying, that I tried so hard.  You looked at me, brushed my hair back from my face (what a classic, heartbreaking move, much like the one you were about to embark on), and told me I never had to.  However, I know now, that wasn’t true.  I gave it all my all, and I wasn’t enough, I wasn’t old enough, I wasn’t broken enough, I wasn’t enough for you to stay, no matter how hard I tried.

That was probably the last time I actually had you, if I ever did to begin with.  It’s one of those perfect, vivid moments in my mind, with everything in painful detail, from the Twins hat you always wore to the gravel on the driveway under our feet.  The hundreds of hours we spent in bed, the dozens of movies we watched,  the time we spent together is mostly a blur, with most scenes melting into each other, but this one is clear.  I may have forgotten more than I would like, but I remember you, and I remember that driveway.

-E