i make no apologies

PART II

Maybe you think

that with my aforementioned jealousy, I’m pulling an “I don’t want you but I don’t want anyone else to have you”

(Not that I didn’t want you. I did. But I didn’t admit that I loved you in the way you wanted me to. Because you were so   casual… about EvErYtHiNg. Which was sexy at first but then heartbreaking. And I was the girl waiting. Waiting for our next class together, waiting for you to call me, waiting for you to answer your phone, waiting to see you alone again, waiting to run into you downtown.  W a i t i n g… for more of you. But that was when I was probably f*cked up from a previous relationship & attention hungry, and just gutsy enough to go after a man different than any other I’d ever been with to find more than what I’d ever found. And maybe I’m still f*cked up, but now I’m an older, more mature, post-sorority, post-put-you-bar-jeans-in-the-windowsill-overnight-to-air-out-for-the-next-night attention hungry, gutsy girl.).

And I know how that feels– to have someone not want you
(or want you only on their terms).

And for them to be completely unfair when someone else wants you
(without terms).

I know what it’s like to give them all the parts of yourself only for them to devastate all of it.

And I know how it feels to be with someone new only for an old love to interrupt it with a plea of “Want me. Be with me. Call me,” much like the Meredith Grey “Pick me. Choose me. Love me” (Season 2, Episode 5).
(But I don’t put my bar jeans in the windowsill anymore. Yes, smoking is banned in the bars now, but I don’t have even bar jeans anymore… I just have feelings for you.)

But if you do think this
(that I’m pulling an “I don’t want you but I don’t want anyone else to have you”),

you think wrong.

XOXO,
B

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